From Falling for Feelings to Following Christ

How does one come to the decisions of their life? How does one decide where to study and what to study? Who to marry? How they spend their free time? Because our time on this earth is limited, these choices are vital with only two options. We can either choose to do what God has planned for us, or we can follow what our heart desires (Matthew 6:24).

Only recently did I come across Jeremiah 17:9 from the Answers for Women Rooted conference: “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick; who can understand it?” In reading the Bible as a child and growing up in the church, this verse never came up, at least not long enough for me to remember. If it had, maybe I would have chewed on it and realized that the road I was about to travel would bring me a lot of heartache in questioning who I was and my purpose. My heart was and is deceitful and desperately sick—not even I can understand it.

Trusting My Flesh

I came to these crossroads for the first time when my flesh formed feelings for my next-door neighbor who was also female. Not understanding these feelings but knowing what God’s Word said (1 Corinthians 6:9; 1 Timothy 1:8–11), I had a choice to make. At that time, it did not feel like a choice, especially when someone in their teenage years experiences the excitement of what the world has to offer. I struggled with the idea that if those feelings were wrong, then why would God create this desire in the first place? Those emotions felt similar to the crushes I had on the opposite sex. Granted, it certainly was not love.

God is the source of love, and he alone has the authority to define it.

God is the source of love, and he alone has the authority to define it. He created man and woman in his image and gave guidelines for how we can honor him in the way we live as male and female and in our sexuality. Any sinful relationship against God’s good design can never be loving as it causes two individuals to continue living in their sin, and it not only dishonors God’s good design but even our own bodies (1 Corinthians 6:18). In reality, it is a prison and keeps us from experiencing the fullness of what God intended. Following one’s heart in the moment seems good and feels good, but it is a trap from which it is difficult to untangle oneself. At least it was for me.

I made the wrong choice in trusting my flesh rather than seeking to understand why I had these feelings in the first place. At the time, it seemed as though I was enjoying the fruits of this life, but it is the cause of so many issues. Making this choice led me to expose myself to more sinful offerings of this world and form unhealthy habits that have destroyed relationships with those I once claimed to love (James 1:13–16). It seemed to be a “healthy” way to satisfy my flesh but that too is a lie the culture proclaims. I cared for nothing but myself. And without Christ, I had no way to break free; I could not stop (John 8:34).

This pattern of behavior manifested in opposite-sex as well as same-sex relationships. With my first serious boyfriend, I gave myself to him before marriage. This was accepted as normal in our culture. I did not have regrets at the time, but looking back, I understand that it ignited my obsession with him. I clung to him, yet those unhealthy behaviors in a relationship are what ended it. My heart experienced its first break all because we had given in to what our flesh wanted.

Three years later in the relationship that followed, I made the same mistake, but it had the opposite effect. Instead of obsession, I found myself unsatisfied with the physical aspect of the relationship and kept comparing it to the previous one. For some time, I could not figure out why this was despite him treating me well. Now, I know it was the result of my feelings building the perfect life in my head.

When we let fantasies of a potential life form inside our heads, we chase them no matter the cost if we don’t bring every thought into captivity (2 Corinthians 10:5). If something were to be out of place in reality that does not match our thinking, we try to change it. This prevents us from enjoying what is right in front of us. The chasing never ends because it constantly changes as our feelings do, leaving us without the chance to enjoy what God has given to us and experience contentment. When the unchangeable God (Hebrews 13:8) becomes the foundation for our life, we can stand firm instead of swaying in every direction.

What is the purpose of this life if we are on the constant chase of the impermanent when what we do will be forgotten? Christ gives our life and work meaning (Colossians 3:23–25). Without Christ or an eternal perspective, it would be easy to fall prey to the idea, “Why work so hard when your accomplishments will turn to dust?” This is the curse that comes from living for your feelings. Ecclesiastes mentions this as “vanity of vanities.”

Trusting in Myself

Besides problems with my flesh, my ambition and self-confidence made me lose my identity over and over again (1 Thessalonians 4:11). As many shows, movies, and books taught me growing up, I believed that I could accomplish anything that I set my heart on. Whatever my pursuits were at the time, I changed my identity to match that to the point of creating new social media profiles to reflect it. It had taken control to the extent that it mattered what color my pen was.

This in and of itself was a very unhealthy way to live my life (Proverbs 14:12), but what made it worse was how much my feelings caused this identity to change. One moment, I would be all set on going to medical school, then to web development, to writing with a few more in between. Believing that I could choose what I wanted to do made me jump back and forth to each of these interests, wasting time and money. Instances came when I would lay in my bed unable to get out because I did not know what to do. I questioned the point of the hustle and bustle, working hard to achieve something when in the end I would die someday. What was the point in it? And more importantly, I asked myself, Who am I?

Relying on myself to decide how to live based on what I wanted in the moment caused greater harm than if I simply turned to God (Jeremiah 17:5). He has lovingly given each of us a purpose. But when we reject that, we lose ourselves despite the world calling it a journey to find ourselves. It is great that God already knows who we are and has fashioned a plan that is perfect for us and brings the most glory to himself. What we do may seem good in our own eyes, but God knows where our heart is in the matter (Proverbs 16:2). He establishes the steps that we should walk (Proverbs 16:9), and that is much more freeing than trying to figure it out myself. This realization is what brought me back to God.

Trusting in God

Trusting in God has never failed me from the moment I made that decision three years ago. He is still writing my story, and there are things that I struggle with as every Christian does, but my biggest battles have been conquered. No longer do I struggle with same-sex attraction or my lustful desires; no longer do I battle with God about what my life should look like (Galatians 5:1; 2 Corinthians 5:17). My identity has been found in him and not my feelings, so my life does not follow every path it can imagine. He has blessed me with an amazing job at Answers in Genesis, I am about to graduate with my Bible MA, and I actively serve in my local church (James 1:17). It is incredible to know who I once was and who I am now.

This result did not come by chance. The world claims that following your heart brings freedom, and that they just want to be free to be themselves. Yet they refuse to allow themselves to be who God meant for them to be. Living by God’s Word seems to be restrictive with too many laws to follow. But a long list of rules is not true Christianity; it is being forgiven and allowing yourself to be fully transformed in trusting that God knows what is best (Psalms 37:3–6).

Because God created us and even lived as one of us, he alone understands what is best for us.

Understand that satisfying our desires in the temporary does bring fleeting pleasure but hidden scars too. Because God created us and even lived as one of us, he alone understands what is best for us. Even a responsible parent understands vegetables are needed for proper nutrition though their child may not want to eat them.

From personal experience, I have found more peace and freedom in following what God has for my life rather than in chasing after a fantasy. Everything that I do has purpose behind it because I do it to glorify God and bring the gospel to others to enjoy the same liberty I have. While my life is far from perfect, it is a thousand times better. I have no regrets about aligning my life with God’s Word instead of it being dictated by my feelings.

Some may feel they have committed sins that are unforgivable but God’s grace and Christ’s shed blood are more powerful than what anyone has done (Lamentations 3:22–23). It is never too late for someone to come to Jesus for the first time or to return to him. He always welcomes anyone who truly confesses their sins and recognizes him as the only source for their salvation (Romans 10:9–10, 13). He forgave me—he will certainly do the same for anyone.